-Let's go to one more bar. -I can't.
One more bar.
WINTER, 2007
Thank you.
No.
It was nothing.
FROM: YAMASHITA WHERE ARE YOU?
REPLY
I'M THINKING OF CHANGING THE LAST PUNCHLINE
I'LL BE THERE SOON
Ready...
Go!
This is killing me.
NIPPON BROADCASTING RADIO
Why's he so late?
He's the one that wanted to practice before the show. What's he doing?
What is it?
Smash!
Both colors look good.
-That's cool, too. -It is.
Okay. That's it.
As for me...
Red looks cool, too.
This one and...
Mr. Kamiya...
It was like he couldn't stop punishing himself.
Take both of them.
Thank you.
-I'll pay for mine. -I don't need your money.
Sir, do you need this?
He was like that ever since he lost Maki.
-The number you're trying to reach-- -What's he doing?!
-Hello. -Hold it.
I don't think you work here.
Showing me the inside of your coat won't help.
-Who are you? -I'm Yamashita.
That's not much help. Which "Yamashita" are you?
The straight man.
-Once more. -Here I go.
-You're worse than I thought. -Ready?
-Come on. -You're throwing the ball.
-That's not a serve. -Hit it back.
I can't tell when it'll come.
Once more.
-Hit it back properly. -Let me serve.
Here I go.
Come on!
You hit the ceiling!
The wounds were deep.
They took a long time to heal.
HIBANA - Spark -
-Hello. -Hello.
BABY HOSHIKAWA'S "TALK-IINO" MON 24:00 - 27:00
Hello!
-Hello. -Hi!
Hello.
Mr. Hoshikawa, thanks for having us on Talk-iino.
-Don't let me down. -Thank you!
Introduce yourself.
-I'm Yamashita from Sparks. -I'm Sakamoto.
This guy's a real pro.
-He's the guru? -He is.
-Wow. -This is your big chance.
It's our big chance?
Where's your partner? Tokunaga.
He's, um...
The nerves have got to his stomach. He's stuck on the toilet.
Don't you get sick of shadow boxing?
I'll be right back.
Mr. Kamiya...
INSTANT LOANS
How about calling it a night?
You have plans?
Sorry.
You're right.
Let's call it a night.
-Just one more drink? -It's okay.
Ready...
Ready!
See ya!
Speak up!
Yessir! Sorry!
We'll be on soon! Could you please standby?
Okay.
"There's a guy at school who always plays weird tricks on me.
How can I stop it without offending him? In need of some advice."
So, they're in a bit of trouble. I guess in situations like these...
Excuse me. You'll be on soon.
You'll be on soon. It's time to standby!
Sure thing. Thanks.
-Where is your partner? -My partner... Hm?
It's still warm. He should be close by.
NIPPON BROADCASTING RADIO
-Hey! You're late! -Sorry.
-You're late! -I'm hot.
I haven't run for ages.
Who cares? Hurry up and get changed.
What's with that?
Don't strip it off. There's a lady behind you.
-I got you one, too. -I'm not wearing it.
Why put on a silly costume for a radio show?
You really do have one for me? I'm not wearing it!
Where were you?
I was thinking of a new punchline.
-But let's keep the original. -What?
I nearly had a heart attack--
Blow for me.
Blow!
That's inhaling!
You stink of alcohol!
Were you with Mr. Kamiya again?
-I'm sober now. -You're drunk?
-I sweated it out. -You're--
Boys.
-Hello. -Hello.
Can you shorten your two-minute act to 30 seconds?
-Thirty seconds? -We're running over time.
-Two minutes... -Sorry.
-You're telling us now? -I'm counting on you!
...today's guest were Sparks!
-Thanks, guys. -Thank you.
Thanks, guys.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Thank you.
-Excuse us. -Thank you!
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
If the feedback is good, we'll see you again soon.
-Thank you. -Thank you.
Thank you, Speaks!
SPEAKS, SPHYNX, SPIELBERG, SUPERMANS...
HYUGA AGENCY
-Good morning. -Good morning, sir!
You got me.
Is that an impersonation?
The Tokuma Pose!
That's cool.
Where should it go, Ms. Erika?
-Hm... A little higher. -Higher?
-That's too high. -Sorry.
BUU FUBUUBU ON AIR TUESDAYS
If you put that there,
Mr. Tokuma won't stand out.
But, boss, it won't fit. You can't hang it sideways.
How about...? Oh, that won't work either.
-There's no point. -You're right.
-You're here? -Good morning.
Mr. Ogata...
Let me apologize about the radio show.
But we had to cut it to 30 seconds, just before the show.
We'd practiced a two-minute routine.
-They told us at the last moment. -It was a bit unfair.
What are you babbling about?
You got a gig.
The New Comedy Star Battle.
Give me one.
-For real? -For real?!
-The New Comedy Star Battle! -I know.
Is this real?
Everyone in the industry comes.
For better or worse, they'll remember you.
They will...
Buu Fubuubu were in this contest last year, right?
The moment they won, they got three weekly shows.
Three weekly shows?
This is insane.
That's if we win.
If you do well, the New Star Battle is a big chance.
But if you mess up, the damage is big, too.
Damage?
According to Buu Fubuubu,
it's all about how much the audience laugh.
It's not like your previous gigs.
Keep the masses in mind.
Why not make your routine simpler?
"It's important that you realize what people want from you.
Not only when you have sex, but in every situation."
Wisdom from the god of porn, Taka Kato.
Bye.
Okay!
You got in thanks to the recommendation from the writer, Isshin Takada.
Do it like you always do.
See?
GO WITH THE FLOW
Go for it.
It's the New Star Battle. What'll we do?
I'm thinking. Don't rush me.
You heard Mr. Ogata.
"Keep the masses in mind."
It's all about how much the audience laugh.
Remember what Mr. Takada wrote?
"Sparks is unique." That's what he liked.
But he's a pro.
We want everyone to laugh.
We want to be popular with the masses.
You write it.
That won't work.
My role is to keep the same perspective as the audience.
Have you read the comments online?
"The funny man from Sparks is gloomy." "He's unrelatable."
I know.
The New Star Battle...
We won it.
What's with all the confidence?
-Tokunaga. -What?
The New Star Battle...
We won it.
Thanks, everyone.
-It's great. -I know.
I think it'll work.
Let's run it through.
-Hello, we're Sparks. -Please enjoy the show.
-Dial it again. -Bip, bop, bap. Prrr...
The number you're trying to reach belongs to artificial intelligence.
It has formed its own identity.
It is busy planning the extinction of the human race.
-Sorry, but we cannot connect you. -Stop it!
That's way too scary!
I don't know, but maybe you could...
Don't you have a joke that younger audiences will like?
A joke that's more pop.
-We don't need to be pop. -Do you have one?
How about this? -Bip, bop, bop. Prrr...
-Call telephone. No reception-- -Hey. Hey!
Come on. Do it properly.
Bip, bop, bap. Prrr...
Call telephone. No reception. Or switch off!
Fuck!
Hey, come on.
-Too much? -What's with all the energy?
But that's probably better. Any others?
Jokes like that. Energetic ones.
How about this?
-Hello, young friends-- -You can be more pumped up.
Hello, young friends!
I'm in the fairy forest, singing with my bird friends!
Hop on a Pegasus, and join us across the rainbow bridge!
That's good.
It's easy to understand. It's good.
-Let's do that. -I don't really like it.
But let's try it.
Bip, bop, bap. Prrr...
Hello, young friends!
I'm in the fairy forest, singing with my bird friends!
Hop on a Pegasus, and join us--
-Aren't we sucking up too much? -This is perfect for the New Star Battle.
It's so cheesy. Do we need it?
If we want to make a living.
Bip, bop, bap, bop...
Something just drove by. What was it?
"Bip, bop, bap, bop."
I wonder...
Was it a police car? An ambulance?
What made that sound? "Bip, bop, bap, bop."
What drove by? "Bip, bop, bap, bop."
Ah, I know. It was a "bippobapo-bus."
Hello. Sorry for the wait.
-Where shall we go? -Wherever we can drink.
We've got sushi...
Soba noodles...
Mr. Kamiya.
Why don't we buy something here and drink in a park somewhere?
This will do?
I really like these little delicatessens.
You like it trashy.
You win. I'll keep you company.
Welcome.
What would you like?
The most expensive is shrimp tempura. Ten of them?
That much shrimp?
What do you want?
Tokunaga.
Wanna walk to Nikotama?
Mr. Kamiya...
I don't want my bag to stink of fried chicken.
Can we eat this first?
Nothing whets your appetite more than the aroma of fried chicken.
If you think it smells bad when it comes from your bag,
your mind's just playing tricks on you.
It's cool.
Shit's cool!
There were so many things I wanted to ask Mr. Kamiya.
You should walk more.
Apparently I'm convinced he knows the answer to everything.
When you walk around, you realize things.
There are so many funny things just waiting for you to notice them.
Take care, old lady.
-Something happened. -I wonder what.
It looks okay.
Mr. Kamiya, don't you ever worry about other people's opinions?
Where's this coming from?
Well, it pisses me off when people talk bad about me.
But I don't really care.
Even if they badmouth you on the Internet?
On the Internet, so many people talk about others like they were trash.
When that hate gets aimed your way, it hurts.
I'd rather be punched.
It even drives some people to suicide.
I think it's insane.
But...
think about the hater.
If hating is the only thing they can do to make it through the night alive,
I think it's okay.
I hope they write the most painful thing about me they can think of.
But I can't ignore them.
If you worry about what people think, you'll wear yourself out.
In the end, will their words have any effect on what you create?
It'll make no difference.
We're not that smart.
We do what we want.
If it's funny, we'll make a living.
If it's not, we'll get weeded out.
That's all.
We weren't making a living.
Were we not funny?
Kudos to the food of the masses.
It tastes great even when it's cold.
How rude of you to complain about its smell.
Damn.
That stinks!
Tokunaga.
Come on in.
-Hi. -Hello.
-Sorry for making you wait. -Sorry for calling you in.
-Was it hard to find? -A little.
Wow.
-Cool? -Yes.
There was an unwritten rule for young comedians:
Don't mix with the juniors that your partner is close with.
-Beer, please. -Beer?
-I'll have an Oolong & Shochu. -Coming up.
-You're doing well lately. -Not at all.
We're still as poor as ever.
Have you heard?
About Kamiya.
He's in so much debt, he's nearly beyond help.
You know. When he's with you,
he tries to act too big.
I know that's part of what makes him funny, but...
unless something changes, we won't be able to do manzai anymore.
I'm sorry.
He always pays for me.
-From now on, I'll try to-- -No.
That's not what I mean. You should stay close with him.
Stay close.
Are you in the next New Comedy Star Battle?
Yes.
We're in it, too.
Ahondara will be, too?
You didn't know?
Kamiya didn't tell you?
-He did. -He did?
But he hasn't decided which act we should do.
The New Star Battle...
You know how duos break up if they don't do well?
It might be our very last chance.
What do you mean?
Don't get me wrong.
We're not gonna quit.
Don't write us off.
Sorry.
But Kamiya...
When he talks about you, he always looks so happy.
He really must like you.
Kamiya...
He likes you.
The big time... Wouldn't that be nice?
Bip, bop, bap. Prrr...
It is with profound regret that I inform you this number is currently unavailable.
-Please forgive me. Please, pretty please! -That message is too polite!
"Please, pretty please!"?
And there's no need to bow. Nobody can see you.
And stop doing that giggle at the end.
I didn't like it the first time. No more giggling.
And stop poking your chin out between jokes.
-It's distracting. -That, too?
Bip, bop, bap. Prrr...
The number you're trying to reach belongs to artificial intelligence.
It has formed its own identity--
Hey. Stop it.
Why do that one?
It's, "I'm in the Fairy Forest, singing with my bird friends!"
I think this one's better.
Are we going through this again? We already agreed!
Don't you want to win?
You're asking me?! Nothing works if you're flimsy.
I took your advice on the first act, but the second should be more like
the real Sparks.
If either of our acts flops, we're done for.
I think we're funnier than anybody.
But we agreed to go for the masses.
Put your balls on the line. We've got two days left.
Okay.
You know which one?
Start from where we were.
I'll start.
"Please, pretty please!"? That message is too polite.
Do it properly. Bip, bop, bap. Prrr...
The number you're trying to reach belongs to artificial intelligence...
Isn't this one better?
Enough already.
"Hello, everybody!" is better.
Once more.
-"Hello, everybody!" -"Hello, young friends! I'm in the..."
That message is too polite. "Please, pretty please!"?
Bip, bop, bap. Prrr...
Hello, young friends! I'm an artificially intelligent being!
I've got my own identity! Why don't we...
-I hate artificial intelligence. -Hear me out.
I've got my own identity!
Why don't we all make the human race extinct!
"Bip, bop, bap. Prrr..." "Hello, young friends!
I'm in the fairy forest, singing with my bird friends!
Hop on a Pegasus, and join us across the rainbow bridge!"
Mr. Kamiya. Congratulations on your 30th birthday.
The first time we met, you were four years younger than me.
The fact you're still four years younger is quite a shock.
INCOMING TEXT FROM: SAIZOU KAMIYA
You seem busy lately. Are you writing my biography?
OF COURSE I AM
Where was he?
MY BIOGRAPHY SOUNDS BORING
He replied straight away.
PLEASE MAKE IT FUNNIER, MR. KAMIYA
KAMIYA'S BIOGRAPHY VOL. 7
YOU'RE RIGHT
PLEASE DO SOMETHING LEGENDARY
Hello?
Where are you?
I'm in the Parthenon.
Where are you, Mr. Kamiya?
Inside a gooey chocolate fondue pot.
It's so sweet, I'm melty, melty, melting.
-Are you okay? -Of course I am!
No, you're not.
Are you okay?
Know what?
I was just eavesdropping on a nearby young couple.
Stop doing strange things in the middle of the night.
The girl had one of those...
She had a fluffy white thing around her neck.
She said to the guy:
"Say ten nice things about me."
She really did.
Did he tell her?
Yeah.
He rattled them off like he was chanting.
I bet she asks him all the time.
Sounds scary.
So...
Say ten nice things about me.
Why should I?
Why not? Tell me.
I don't want to.
I'll tell you next time,
if you're wearing a fluffy white thing around your neck.
I won't wear one of those. Tell me.
For starters...
You can split dick tempura in two without cringing.
You're really flexible when you do your "gateway for up-and-coming comedians."
And you can sing Takuro Yoshida's songs while impersonating Tsuyoshi Nagabuchi.
Who cares?
Let me see.
Mr. Kamiya...
If he can get a laugh...
he's not afraid to say something violent or lewd.
He'll take any risk.
And...
Mr. Kamiya...
It doesn't matter who is or isn't watching...
Even if no one in the audience wants it...
he does what he believes in.
He doesn't suck up to anybody.
He never fails to fight.
You got it.
But...
above all...
the most amazing thing about Mr. Kamiya is...
he made me his disciple.
What balls!
You had the balls to say that?
What balls!
Yep.
Tomorrow was the big day.
The New Comedy Star Battle.
THE 3RD ANNUAL NEW COMEDY STAR BATTLE
-Hello. -Hello.
Hello.
I came up with something yesterday.
After "the humble Pegasus," I'll keep going a bit.
You'll dig further?
-"Please ride the humble Pegasus and--" -Mr. Osaki!
Good morning, sir.
Hello, Takada. Thanks for coming.
Not at all. It's a great honor you invited me as a judge.
But it's a shame.
This year's comedians are all small-fry.
I guess we could decide nobody deserves to be champion.
Sir, that'd be going a bit far.
-Are you free afterwards? -Yes.
There's a nice BBQ restaurant nearby. Coming?
I'd love to.
-You only drink highballs, right? -That's correct, sir.
You're small-fry.
That's too polite. Way too polite.
What's with the "Please, pretty please!"?
And there's no need to bow. Nobody can see you.
-Once more. -Do it properly.
Bip, bop, bap. Prrr...
Hello, young friends. I'm an artificially intelligent...
Wrong one. Sorry.
Hey.
Hello.
Hello!
-Hello. -Hi.
Are you nervous?
Hello.
Hi.
-Hello. -Hello!
-You're rehearsing? -Of course we are.
It won't make any difference. Not at this stage.
Let us be.
-You wanna be more successful? -No--
How sly. And you look pale.
Hello.
There's some space here.
Welcome to the 3rd Annual New Comedy Star Battle!
The number you're trying to reach, tee-hee,
is either out of range, tee-hee,
or the power is turned off, tee-hee-hee-hee!
Stop being so creepy! Enough with that creepy giggle!
I want a friendly but polite message on my voicemail.
Oh, I get it. Call me again.
Bip, bop, bap. Prrr...
It is with profound regret that I inform you this number is currently unavailable.
-Please forgive me. Please, pretty please! -That message is too polite!
What's with the "Please, pretty please!"?
And there's no need to bow. Nobody can see you.
-Can't you make a happier version? -A happier one? Okay, call me.
Hello, young friends!
I'm in the fairy forest, singing with my bird friends!
Hop on a Pegasus,
and join us
across the rainbow bridge!
That's too much like a fairy tale!
"Come join us!"?
And your Pegasus was tiny. I don't want a baby Pegasus.
The baby Pegasus is still there?
Pegasus, how old are you?
-I'm 62 years old. -Baby Pegasus is a veteran.
He's quite old. May I ask your name?
-I don't have one yet. -Sixty-two years without a name?
Baby Pegasus has lived for 62 years without a name?
-The... sorry... unavailable. -The voicemail has bad reception, too?
That's the worst reception ever.
Your voicemail is the worst I've ever heard.
-I think so, too! -You think so, too?!
-I've had enough. -Thank you.
-We nailed them. -Told you.
-I wrote it. -I told you.
My, oh, my.
Now we know why you recommended Sparks.
They were a great hit with the audience.
Their acts are usually rough, but that was quite refined.
They've been around for seven years. It's the least you'd expect.
Hello!
Hi, we're Ahondara. Please enjoy the show.
The show's nearly halfway through. You must be a little tired.
I'll help you wake up.
-Mind if I use scare tactics? -You're gonna scare them awake?
Do you have life insurance?
-You're gonna die. -Your scare tactics are too scary.
-It's okay. -Why?
-I have no insurance either. -You don't?!
Why did you ask?
I won't die even if a truck runs over me.
What are you talking about?
You're too random.
If you need prior notification to keep up, you should've told me.
I don't need notification.
Like I said, I won't die even if a truck runs over me.
Trucks kill.
-Have you ever really thought about it? -Of course not.
There's a huge truck racing towards you at 100 km/h.
-Would you die? -Yes!
-Trucks are deadly. -But I won't die.
-Why not? -How dumb are you?
A truck's racing towards me...
Bang!
-I died. -You died?!
You said you wouldn't die.
When you thought about it, you survived, right?
Let me try once more.
I'll imagine it properly this time.
Let's go step by step.
Here goes.
If a dozen veteran lawyers talk badly about me as they approach,
-I'll die. -Why is that lethal?
Are you that unstable?
A football player is running towards me as he searches for his long-lost sister...
Unfortunately I'm standing on her head. I'm dead.
What kind of situation is that? Take your foot off the sister's head.
Time for the truck!
A truck is speeding right at you!
-Bang! -Bang!
-I died. -You died?
You're dead? What's with the pose?
-Damn, I died. -You're singing?
-I died! -He's getting into the song.
-He's really into the song. -Ohbayashi...
-Will you cry at my funeral? -Don't go all emotional on me!
What's wrong? You're not gonna die, right?
That's right, I won't die! Do the truck again!
-A truck speeds towards you. -I run towards the truck.
-I died. -You died?!
-Is this for real? It's a totally new act. -They're the funniest so far.
-I died. -You died?
-That's the most dead so far. -The most dead?
-Me, the driver, and everyone else. -You killed them all?
-Ohbayashi... -What?
-Will you cry at my funeral? -Stop going sad like that.
I never had a friend before. You're my first friend ever.
Who cares? This isn't the time to confess.
You won't die, right? That's what you said.
Stop looking so depressed. What's wrong?
What is it? Kamiya!
Kamiya! Say something!
-I love making jam. -What a strange new personality.
I've had enough. Thank you.
Wow.
Usually they only make other professionals laugh.
-But it worked with the audience today. -It did.
I always found them unsuitable for television.
But I think that act will work.
Out of today's offerings, they didn't seem bad.
My stomach hurts.
That's the end of the first half of the show.
We will now have a ten-minute interval.
-What was their name? -I don't know.
These guys!
-Truck... Bang! -Truck... Bang!
-I died. -I died.
Your act went well.
We only just started.
I told you that would work, too.
Kamiya's Biography, Chapter Two.
Hello, we're Ahondara.
The show's nearly halfway through. You must be a little tired.
I'll help you wake up.
-Mind if I use scare tactics? -You'll scare them awake?
Do you have life insurance?
You're gonna die.
Your scare tactics are too scary.
It's okay. I have no insurance either.
You don't? Why ask?
I won't die even if a truck runs over me.
What are you talking about?
If you need prior notification to keep up, you should've told me.
I don't need notification.
Like I said, I won't die even if a truck runs over me.
You would die.
-Have you ever really thought about it? -Of course not.
Are they doing the same act?
They must have some plan.
-It's exactly the same. -I don't get it.
They are ahondara (boofheads).
How dumb are you?
A truck's racing towards me...
Bang!
-I died. -You died?!
So you would die. Just as you would if you got hit by a meteor.
I died. This is bad.
But you're the one making this up.
Hang on. Let me focus. I'll imagine it properly.
Drive at me in the truck at just the right time.
See? They started something.
But that won't go down well with the judges.
They're not getting that many laughs.
They really are ahondara.
A football player is running towards me as he searches for his long-lost sister...
Unfortunately I'm standing on her head.
-I'm dead. -Of course you are.
-Time for the truck! -A truck is speeding right at you!
-Bang! -Bang!
-I died. -You died?
What's with the pose? You look alive to me.
I'm dying!
Why are you singing?
Ohbayashi...
-Will you cry at my funeral? -Don't go all emotional on me.
Stop it.
You're not gonna die, right?
-You said you won't die. -That's right, I won't die!
-Do the truck again! -Okay!
-A truck speeds towards you! -I run towards the truck!
-I died. -You're dead.
So, Ohbayashi... Will you cry at my funeral?
I told you before. Don't go all emotional on me!
I never had a friend before. You're my first friend ever...
-They're laughing! -What is this act?!
Manzai is too hard to lip-sync!
We're doing an okay job!
Kamiya! Say something!
I love making jam.
What a strange new personality. I've had enough. Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's congratulate our Gold, Silver and Bronze award winners!
The New Comedy Stars have been born.
Now we'll receive a comment from the head judge, Mr. Osaki. Thank you.
I'm the head judge, Osaki.
Everyone put up a great fight today.
Personally, I was reassured there's still new talent out there.
However, I was disappointed that one duo chose to use recorded audio in their act.
It wasn't manzai.
Manzai is all about the organic connection between audience and artist.
The live chemical reaction is what creates laughter inside us.
In conclusion, I warn the winners not to become complacent.
I also warn them to never forget comedy needs an audience...
As far as Mr. Kamiya was concerned,
the audience expected nothing but manzai,
but he'd created an accident right before their eyes.
That was his idea of funny.
Congratulations to our winners, The Curl!
That's who Mr. Kamiya was.
Please look forward to the next New Star Comedy Battle.
And thank you all for coming!
Thank you!